“One obvious sign you’re living in a gossip trap is when the primary mode of dispute resolution becomes social pressure.” —Erik Hoel, The Gossip Trap
I came across this quote after the first session of our Workplace Conflict Practice Group, where we explored the dynamics of workplace conflict—what fuels it, what silences it, and why performance management (what a grim little phrase) so often misses the mark. Hoel’s words stuck with me. He wasn’t writing about the workplace; he was writing about society more broadly. But the resonance is clear.
In many organisations, social pressure is the dominant mechanism for managing conflict. Not conversation. Not reflection. Not feedback. Just… pressure—subtle, unspoken, and often unchecked.
What is a Gossip Trap?
Erik Hoel uses the term to describe a social system where people rely more on informal social influence than formal processes to resolve disputes or enforce norms. In such a system, reputation is everything, and accountability is determined by who likes you—or who talks about you—rather than by what you’ve actually done or failed to do.
Workplaces, particularly those that prize harmony, collegiality, or “culture fit,” can become gossip traps without meaning to. When leaders avoid hard conversations, when systems are unclear or inconsistently applied, or when popularity begins to outweigh performance, informal power fills the vacuum.
And when gossip becomes the main driver of accountability, formal feedback stops functioning.
When Social Pressure Replaces Feedback
This shift often happens quietly. Feedback becomes rarer or coded in vague terms: “not a good fit,” “not collaborative,” “difficult to work with.” Colleagues are more likely to complain about someone in private than raise issues directly. Conflict becomes personal, not professional—about who someone is, not what they do.
In this climate:
- People learn to perform likeability, not excellence.
- Team members avoid disagreement for fear of being shut out.
- Managers delay feedback because they want to stay on side with the team.
- Employees feel blindsided by sudden exits, restructures, or performance issues that were never clearly raised.
And in the absence of clear communication, people fill the gaps with their own interpretations, assumptions, and whispered commentary.
Gossip as a Form of Control
Social pressure isn’t just messy—it’s powerful. It operates as a form of social control: shaping who belongs, who gets supported, and who gets excluded. In this way, gossip becomes not only a substitute for feedback but also a substitute for due process.
Hoel puts it starkly:
“Does it not feel, just in the past decade, as if raw social power has outstripped anything resembling formal power?”
You don’t need to look far for evidence. In many workplaces, being well-liked offers more protection than following the rules. A complaint made by someone in the “in-group” lands differently to one made by someone who’s already been marginalised. A leader’s silence in the face of harmful gossip can be read as complicity.
Why It Matters for Conflict Practitioners
For those of us working in conflict resolution, recognising gossip traps isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about noticing the system dynamics that shape how conflict arises and how it is (or isn’t) addressed.
In our practice group, we discussed how poor performance management systems can exacerbate workplace conflict. But underneath that is something deeper: a fear of feedback, a lack of relational safety, and an over-reliance on social cues to determine what’s “acceptable.”
Conflict escalates when people don’t know how to raise concerns directly—or don’t feel safe to do so. It festers when feedback is avoided or poorly delivered. And it spreads, often virally, when stories about people circulate without context, curiosity, or care.
Escaping the Trap: What Can Organisations Do?
Escaping a gossip trap isn’t about banning informal conversations. It’s about building a culture where formal systems and informal norms work in alignment—not opposition.
Here are a few places to start:
- Make feedback safe, normal, and regular. Train teams in giving and receiving feedback. Encourage feedback as a tool for growth, not punishment.
- Equip leaders to lead conversations, not avoid them. Leaders set the tone. If they model silence or avoidance, others will follow.
- Address triangulation when it occurs. When people bring complaints about others to a third party, redirect them—gently but firmly—toward direct dialogue where appropriate.
- Distinguish between issues of performance and issues of style. Conflict often gets mislabelled as a personality clash when it’s actually about unmet expectations or unspoken boundaries.
- Talk explicitly about power. Who gets heard? Who gets protected? Who gets left out of the loop? Normalising these questions helps surface patterns that need attention.
Ask Yourself: What Are We Rewarding?
At the heart of it all is this question: What do we reward in our workplace culture?
If we reward silence, conformity, and likeability—if we punish disagreement with exclusion or gossip—then we are reinforcing the very dynamics that make conflict unresolvable.
But if we reward clarity, curiosity, and courageous feedback—if we build the kind of trust that can hold tension without collapsing—then we’re doing more than managing conflict. We’re using it to help people grow, teams deepen, and workplaces evolve.
Final Thought
A gossip trap is a system failure disguised as social cohesion. It feels like connection—but it’s actually avoidance. It feels like unity—but often silences difference.
As conflict resolution professionals, we can help organisations see the difference—and build something better.